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Apr. 9th, 2006 @ 11:00 pm (no subject)
Current Location: Wrapped in a metamorphic mentality
Current Mood: moodymoody
Current Music: Savin' Me - Nickleback
Emotionalism:

1: The tendency to display emotion freely or to rely on or place too much value on emotion.
2: Undue display of emotion.

Yet another sign of western culture and its incredible desire to deny the fact that we are still, at some very core, key levels, animals by nature. We are capable of reason, but to some degree or another, emotion will ALWAYS play into the decision making process of even the most logical and rational men and women.

But ya know what? I couldn't care less. My walls are finally crumbling, and i am happy for it. If I'm irritable, if I'm a little snappier than usual for a couple weeks, I appologize, I will be working on it.

Crumble! Ye blasted dam
Swept into a vale
Barren in bland green
Lovingly wipe away

Once cleansed of verdent dust which
Had grown thick behind wretched
Construct of malice. Putrified
Growth. Be Gone.
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Apr. 5th, 2006 @ 04:12 pm Musical Self-evaluation. Very amusing
Current Location: Dancing on the edge of Occam's Razor
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Photograph - Nickleback
How does the world see me?
One Step Closer – Linkin Park
“Everything you say to me
Brings me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break”
I’m not so certain that holds true now, but maybe in a time past.

Will I have a happy life?
Break Me, Shake Me – Savage Garden
“I can help you baby
so what d’you say?
Cause its not free baby,
Ya have to pay.”
I’m not so certain on how to interpret that one. It could be either really good, or really, reaaaaaally bad.

What do people really think of me?
Hot Patootie – Meatloaf (Rocky Horror Soundtrack)
I’m not even gonna bother… laughing too hard at that thought.

Do people secretly lust after me?
With You – Jessica Simpson (Don’t even say it)
“I can let my hair down
I can say anything, Crazy
And know that you’ll catch me
Right before I hit the ground.

Nothing but a t-shirt on.
I’ve never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I’m with you.”
Laughter redoubles…

How can I make myself happy?
Lose yourself – Eminem (Again, don’t say it)
“He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm
and ready to drop bombs. But he keeps on forgetting
What he wrote down.”

What should I do with my life?
Black Friday Rule – Flogging Molly
“I want to believe in myself once again
So I dream of a man whose hopes never end.
To kiss with a girl who’s as lovely as you.
I’d give you my heart, if you’d give me the truth.”

Will I ever have children?
Dragula – Rob Zombie

What is some good advice for me?
Deify – Distrubed

What do I think is my current theme song?
Live and Let Die – Guns and Roses
“When you were young, and your heart was normal
you used to say, live and let live.
But when this ever changing world which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Then live and let die.”

What do others think is my current theme song?
Ballroom blitz – Sweet
“And the man in the back said everyone attack
It’ll turn into a ballroom blitz.
And the girl in the corner said ‘boy I wanna warn ya,
It’ll turn into a ballroom blitz.”

What song will play at my funeral?
Crocodile Rock – Elton John

What type of men/women do you like?
Beautiful Soul – Jessie McCartney
If you’ve never heard this song, go acquire it by any means you deem necessary. It is a great song.

What is my day going to be like?
All Shook Up – Elvis

Why am I here?
Looking Through your Eyes – Leanne Rimes (Quest for Camelot Soundtrack. Recommended highly)

What will people remember me for?
Love You Madly – Cake
Okay, that’s got way too many ways to be read.

What song will I get stuck in my head tomorrow?
New York Minute – The Eagles
No complaints. Great song, download it now. (Subliminal messaging has begun: Download new york minute, download new york minute, download new york minute)

Are there people outside waiting to take me away?
Stricken - Disturbed

What will this year be all about?
Falls Apart – Sugar Ray
Somehow, I hope not.
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Mar. 30th, 2006 @ 11:51 am I am roomed
Current Location: Somewhere between insanity and the funny farm
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: Scars - Papa Roach
B-dorm

121

I have a room for next year, I know quite a few people who will be in the dorm, and I am good friends with most of them. Coolness ensues now.

Other than that, all is good. I've been unusually happy and free recently, and I'm not really certain why. Maybe its that I've finally accepted that I'm liked and appreciated here. That people aren't faking, and that I'm free to be me, aka a little off kilter.

Maybe its that its finally dawned that I, for the first time, belong.

I will bask in that feeling for a while.

::proceeds to lean back, and bask::
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Mar. 3rd, 2006 @ 11:31 pm Interesting...
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: Walk Away - Kelly Clarkson
h2>The Five Love Languages</h2>My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Words of Affirmation.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch: 12
Words of Affirmation: 8
Acts of Service: 5
Quality Time: 5
Receiving Gifts: 0


Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Would explain why I dislike people touching me without my acquiescence.
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Mar. 2nd, 2006 @ 03:22 am It Doesn't Hurt
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Eagles - Tequila Sunrise
Not half as much as I had been made to believe it would.

As of half an hour ago, finality has been reached, and this sitcom has ended. The wounds are raw, and will take time to heal, but it has finally ended. I know myself to be a quick healer, and, oddly enough, this doesn't hurt half as much as the holding it in did.

It might hit me tomorrow at some point, that the whole thing is done. Over. Caput. I'm moving on. It might not set in until the wall on Friday. Who knows?

All I know is that I REFUSE to let this dominate me. This entire fiasco has ruled my life for almost a month. It will hold sway NO LONGER. I have made my dirge for the could-have-been. It has been sent on its way, and there is no duplicate this time. No copy to look back on.

Maybe someday, a year or so from now, the two of us will be able to be friends. Who knows what the future holds. All I know is that I, for one, am done. I have felt the bite of this pain long enough. Time to bury it.

Tomorrow is a new day.
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Feb. 28th, 2006 @ 10:41 pm @#!#@
Current Mood: crappyJust keeps getting worse
Current Music: Linkin Park - 1 Step Closer
Ever realize after you've sent an e-mail that you REALLY should have taken the time to read over it again, make sure you're not making an ass of yourself?

Sent e-mail this morning, thinking I had finally figured out how to disarm close to a month of tension. I read over it, twelve hours later, and find that, wonder of wonders, I'm doing what I seem to do best. Again. Sticking my foot in my mouth, and making an ass of myself.

It seems that the more I try to fix this thing, the more broken it becomes. I'm beginning to fear that the damage done cannot be healed. And as much as I am loath to do it, I really am tempted to ask others to intercede for me. Before I destroy even the possibility of friendship.

This place is too small to have the kind of full-blown hostility flying around that such a rift is sure to create.
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Feb. 27th, 2006 @ 02:56 pm Blasted Room Draw
Current Mood: irateirate
Current Music: Billy Joel - Pressure
Yeah, I've just had five different rooming arrangements fall through in three days. Soooooo over room draw right now, can't wait for it to be over with.

If ANYONE has heard of Dortsteiners looking for a fourth, contact me PLEASE.
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Feb. 17th, 2006 @ 02:18 am Release
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Eagles - There's a Hole in the World Tonight
I cried.

I can still feel where the tracks ran down my face, a scant two minutes ago, and yet I still cannot quite accept the fact.

For the first time in 12 years, I cried outside a cemetary.

For the first time since Papa died, all those years ago, I cried.

I cried for Papa. Oh did I cry for that saint of a man, who turned the lives of all who knew him to shining pieces of heaven, even if only for a moment.

I cried for Mommom. Ripped from all she knew and held dear. Cursed to not even recall the names of her own CHILDREN by the time she passed.

I cried for Sophie. Barely brought to this world before she was carried from it. Cause of joy and grief and sorrow and heartache and salvation, all in an 8-day old's soul.

I cried for Aunt Sylvia. How to even describe what she did. She was a guide-post, a shoulder to cry on, a dispenser of tales and tears and bits and pieces of good old fashion yidish wisdom. I'm now typing this on my memory of a keyboard alone, because I cannot see the monitor, so forgive any gramatical mistakes from hereon in.

I cried for Uncle Frank. I have never seen human suffering so vividly embodied as that man was on his final bed. I had never seen a man so thin that you could literally use his ribs for a xylophone. I wish I never had. No one diserves so viscious a death.

And I cried for Grandpa George. How that man has fought day and night against cancer that should have riped him apart a long time ago, I don't know. Liver, pancreas, lymph nodes, he's fought it off time and time and time again. Yet somehow I know that it is only a matter of time until it all comes to naught, and he is laid low. The angel has made its last flight, and now needs only wait until he comes to his final rest. I pray to whatever powers may heed that it is a long, peaceful time before he comes to that rest.

I cried for all that I could have been, have in fact been, and may never be for my rashness. I cried for opportunities lost, and friendships broken, beyond ever a hope of recovery.

For the first time in 12 years, I cried outside a cemetary.
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Feb. 14th, 2006 @ 05:18 pm Day of St. Valentine
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: Utada Hikari - Simple and Clean
Somehow I doubt the Saint Valentine knew that his name would one day become attached to such a day as the 14th of February has become. I could speak of the chaos and pain it seems to cause, but I'm not particuarly feeling like it at the moment. Besides, I've used this thing far too often as a vent, so why not be positive for once.
Yesterday proved interesting. For a flat of cookies, and gas money, i ended up getting the chance to get off campus for several hours of driving, some television, and some very good, enlightening conversation. And good advice.
I was vaguely annoyed that my writing notebook disappeared on me, with about 20-30 pages of notes, but it's not too bad. I can duplicate the work, given time. It's just iritating to have to when I know that the original is around here somewhere!
Oh well... Lit luck tonight, although I'm not entirely certain if I will go, and if I do, how long I will stay. Probably not very long. I have no food to take.
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Feb. 11th, 2006 @ 11:27 pm If i keep yelling at god, he's gonna get ticked at some point
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: Brian McKnight - Let Me Love You
But at this point, I really could care less. Time to let him have it again.

So here's my big question. What do you want of me, oh supreme being. Do you want me to give up on emotions? Is that what you want of me?

Every time I follow their guidance, I end up wounded, with old scars that I had thought healed ripped open once again.

Every time I admit to my feelings, I find myself met by arrows. Not even arrows of denial. No, that I could handle easily. Simply rip the shaft of the arrow out, break it off the head, and keep on going. Work through it, eventually such pain will fade.

No, these arrows are arrows of 'I'm sorry but...' Three simple words that are slowly becoming a wolfsbane to me. Holding out the teasing promise of possibility, without the slightest intention of fulfilling their promises. It seems my curse. My bane.

Could I give up on it though? I doubt it. I do not think I could give up on such torture. It's too sweet a necter.

Yet you seem to desire just that of me. You seem to want me to give up on the very emotion I most crave. The thing that, beyond all others, I wish most to receive, and to reciprocate. To give in equal portion as that which is received, that is all I desire, yet you not only deny me this, you tease me with it, throwing me into implacable winds that toss me spinning and screaming through the air until I can no longer discern what is a truth and what is a benevolent lie.

And beyond that, you seem to demand not only that I forgo the sweetest madness, but that I also forgo something so simple as friendship. How else is it that I find myself among friends on all sides, and yet, am more completely alone than when I stand in the middle of a soccer field and converse with air and grass and metal goalposts.

So how about it, oh benevolent despot of eternity and the anthill. How about a little help down here. It’s beginning to rain, and not all the water on the ground and my face comes from the sky.

Do you really want me to forsake emotion? It’s a road I walked before, and it doesn’t lead to anywhere I want to go again. It leads to pain, and loneliness and terrible heartache.

Yet it is hard to tell what is the better path, the road with emotion, or the one without it.

The road of light.
The road of darkness.

Which is which, I can’t tell anymore.
Do you want me to simply go outside and scream. To yell to the moon and the sky and the hidden stars and the rain and the clouds and the thunder that holds its tongue and bite. To scream to the heavens and to the hells of my pain. Of my sorrow. To give them a concert of my wordless, torturous rhapsody.

Do you want me to turn my back on all of emotion, and all it entails?
On trust and betrayal?
Loyalty and deceit?
Purity and decadence?
Whimsy and sobriety?
Joy and pain?
Happiness and anger?
Fulfillment and loss?

Love and hate?

It seems that in this season of the lover, all that mortal man can find now, oh great one, is a vortex of pain. Even when we try not to inflict it upon each other, there is no correct answer that will avoid the pain.

When it comes down to it, the answers given are usually for the best. The answers given are those that allow the wounded to heal, the sick to mend, the bitter to be sweetened, and the lost to be found. Yet by giving those answers, we put others into pains.

While I know life was never meant to be completely fair, and indeed it would be entirely too boring if it were, sometimes it seems that the deck is a little stacked.

I may have made my peace with the reaper’s scythe years ago, lord, but I do not intend to meet it yet. Drive me to it all you may like, I will not go until he comes to pry me from this world with a forklift.
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